Monday, March 23, 2015

I'm finally ready

Photo taken by Lois Xenakis in Chios, Greece

I remember walking by the water in Greece this fall. I was trying to find the peace and joy I had lost. I would sit by the rocks and just look at the open sea and ask for calm and a feeling of peace to be returned to me. I came home in the winter and decided it was time to let this all go. This pain and unhappiness had been holding on to me for far too long.

I do hope all this soreness will relieve me of all the pain and the feeling of begin lost. It has been with me for three years. I just couldn't move forward. It was like I was in a deep hole and I couldn't get out. Maybe I didn't want to get out. Maybe it was easier just staying there and feeling sorry for myself. I was always a strong and positive person, so this was very new to me.

I think there was a part of me that just gave up and just accepted what that nasty disease had done to me. Not only did it take one of my breasts, it took part of my spirit and I didn't know how to get it back. I needed to shake this negative crap off of me or I would lose myself completely .

I was saying all the right words to everyone, not sure I really believe them, I knew it was going to be hard. I thought I believed there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I just didn't know there would be so many detours in the road. It was as I’m driving through, they decided to redo the road. That was not cool at all.

I had started the reconstruction after the Mastectomy and it was done very badly. I put everything else on hold. I made the choice to have it re-done and re-size the other one. I wonder how women can go through this. Why because they want stronger, stand up and salute breasts? All I want are two the same size if possible, really.

It hurts like a B and I have two drainage tubes, one on each breast. It is so hard to get up from the bed. I feel like a 90 year old woman. I sleep on my back when I do sleep, which I hate. For the first time I feel like I’m taking my life back. I’m sore as hell, but there is a calmer feeling in me that I have not had in a long time.

I have never liked the word “Survivor.” I have always used the word, “I Won.” Well I have “Won” my battle finally. Here's to Taking a new path, coming soon.

Photo of and taken by Lois Xenakis